I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
