If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
