I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
