Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
