Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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