Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
