saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
