Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
