Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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