he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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