Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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