just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
