If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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