Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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