just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
