I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I supernannyed him into submission
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
