o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
