If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
