i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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