Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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