If that was your dad, he is hot
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i need some magic done to my vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
