today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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