First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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