Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize