my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
