Already got asked if we're dating
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
