Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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