Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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