As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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