this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
