he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
