he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize