i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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