we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
