Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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