So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
