dude i'm inner monologue high
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
