My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
