Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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