Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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