Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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