I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
