Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
