did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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