Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
