My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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