Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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