Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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