so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
