You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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