I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
