God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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