If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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