ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
