Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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