Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
