his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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