At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
