I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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