Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
