I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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