Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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