I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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