Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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