yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
