i was born a porn star she said
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize