saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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